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God loves drunks too
A man and his wife were awakened
at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it
is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it
is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people
too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you
still there?"
"Yes," comes
back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the
husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Child's
book report on the Bible
If
you need a laugh today, then this should do it!
A
child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This
is amazing...
I
wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what
we are teaching???
Through
the eyes of a child:
The
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
In
the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing
but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible
says, 'The
Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot
older than that.
Anyway,
God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
He
split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but
they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented
yet.
Adam
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn't have
cars.
Adam
and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as
he was Abel.
Pretty
soon all of the early people died off,
except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or
something.
One
of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large
boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some
other people to join him, but they said they would have
to take a rain check.
After
Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark
in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named
Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.
God
fed the Israel Lights every day with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: Don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff.
Oh,
yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor
thy father and thy mother.
One
of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible
guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol
and the
fence fell over on the town.
After
Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant
with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise, but
that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After
Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One
of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed
up on the shore.
There
were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After
the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star
of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in
a barn. (I
wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always
saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It
would be
nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During
His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus
also had twelve opossums.
The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that
they named
a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus
was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached
to some Germans on the Mount.
But
the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead..
Anyways,
Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
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Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos
anymore. I forget
why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive age 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to
Heaven,
and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got
to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something
else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven.
The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when
he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves
money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the
winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son,
who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls
because they gotta wear
dresses and boys didn't
go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on
helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley ~ age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.
And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get
over it.
-Vicki, age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot
arrows at them.
-Sarah, age 7
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